I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
