Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize