my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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