Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
