the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
