He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
