Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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