she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
