hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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