OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
