My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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