mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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