ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
