and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
