Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
