The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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