Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
