Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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