Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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