i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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