he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
