SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
