I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
40s are totally the cure
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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