You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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