Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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