Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
