Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
