i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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