I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
