Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
