I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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