alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
