This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
