shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
