my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My balls are so social today.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
