I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
