Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
