My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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