Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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