So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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