Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
