is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
