Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
