Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
