Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
