Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
