Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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