How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
