my phone needs a breathalizer
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize