just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You need Xanax blowdarts
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
