Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
