chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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