Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
