can u get pink eye on your cock?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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