Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
