He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
